To the Director
Ambulance Company
Dear Sir/Madam,
Not long ago, I had the opportunity to ride in one of your conveyances, during my recent cardiac indisposition.  While the overall experience was a positive one, I do have a few suggestions, which I hope will be taken in the spirit in which they are proffered.
Firstly, the gentlemen you employed for this service were, I’m quite sure, well versed in the medical arts, but they lacked, in my opinion, an acceptable level of polite behavior.  Not only was there no proper introduction, but they burst into the room in a manner completely lacking in decorum, and began immediately to open their satchels and scatter their tools about like so many children’s blocks.  I had scarcely the time to register my disapproval, when, without preamble, they began to ask me the rudest questions!  What significance it had how long or how hard I had labored on the commode, I could not fathom!  I shall not mention the various parts of my person which were treated with untoward familiarity, and upon the rough manner in which I was trundled onto a hard, narrow board, tied down like a trussed pig and carried to the ambulance (in full view of my neighbors!) I shall not dwell.  While a show of delicacy might have been richly appreciated, it was utterly lacking!
Secondly, the ambulance furniture, while assuredly functional, might just as well benefit from some regard for comfortable disposition.  I believe I have already mentioned the activity in which I was thoroughly absorbed at the time of  my incommodation.   The utterly unyielding nature of the surface to which I was affixed not only failed to mitigate the circumstance, but, indeed, exacerbated the condition to the point of dismay.  Suffice it to say that a more forgiving surface might have limited the extent of my discomfort.
Thirdly,  the conveyance itself had a rude appeal, rather more like a commercial vehicle than anything appropriate for the discreet transport of the temporarily incapacitated.  Indeed, the sharp edges and gaudy colors were nothing short of jarring to one so disposed.  I believe I have seen designs more pleasing to the eye, and more soothing to the sensitive, displayed in showrooms on the continent.  The work of Messrs. Rolls and Royce spring to mind, and I’m certain many others can be conjured as well.
Finally, I come the most distressing aspect: the journey itself.  I will pass over the jostling, the noise, and the garish lights;  I had by this time despaired of such considerations.   I would have thought, however, that something rather more pleasing than a crude fluorescent fixture might have been provided for what could very well have been one’s last sight on earth.  A flat screen television, or at least a nice beach scene?
Respectfully,
S. Malcom Grimsby (Retired)  (Not Yet Deceased)

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